Sunday, February 04, 2007

Molly's Birth




Molly Grace was born at 11pm on December 29th... she had a bit of a bumpy ride into the world starting with an induction which was (as it usually is) the beginning of a "cascade of intervention" which ended with her being born vaginally with the help of forceps (and episiotomy... eew). Molly got a bit stuck on the way out and needed help breathing when she was born, as I was pushing uphill (in styrrups!! (spelling??)) after having an epidural.....sooo... not the birth I planned but I was pretty much told I "had" to have an induction before new years as they don't do inductions on public holidays (what the??!!) and the baby might DIE if I go past 42 weeks....(note: Molly was born covered in vernix and the placenta was huge and healthy...) typical doctors who want to "manage" childbirth...

I know I could have said get stuffed, I know my baby will be fine- but I think they know that as soon as they mention stillbirth they have the power. I KNOW it would have been different if I had let her come when she was ready and I know I should have been more assertive- but... all that said- she is here now and is absolutely beautiful- the joy of my world. She spent the first day and night in special care for observation but behaved like a perfectly normal baby after stabilising really quickly and I was able to have her room in with me for a day and a night before we were discharged today.

Welcome to the world Molly!

Chloe's Story

It all began with a visit to the after hours doctor in hornsby on the 22 April 2001, because I had an sneaking feeling that I was pregnant. I had gone off coffee and the smell of any type of food made me feel nauseous.

So by means of an pregnancy test at the doctors surgery, it was confirmed you had been conceived.

We were so happy with the news we came racing home to phone family and friends back in New Zealand.

Everyone was delighted with our news and they all wanted to know your due date.....

I then had to have blood tests and ultrasounds to see how far along you were.

I loathed the blood tests but I didn't mind the ultrasounds as we got to see you.

You were nick-named "Jellybean" because that is how i could relate to you with your size in my womb.

You were growing so fast and we both were doing so well.

Mum wanted to know what colour jellybean pink or blue and I would say yellow today, everyone wanted to know what sex you were?

Almost straight away tony started calling me "mummy" and I would answer yes "daddy".

I went off eating and liquids, I had to force myself to eat and drink.

I couldnt stand coffee so i started drinking tea or water with a dash of lime in it.

For dinner and lunch I had to force myself to eat salad sandwiche's or cooked vegetables.
Every afternoon I had to have a sleep as I was so tired which is perfectly normal, I was told that while I am sleeping you are growing, if I didn't have my afternoon nap watch out I would be grumpy by the time daddy came home from work.

Daddy use to put his hand on my stomach and talk to you every night, I would do the same throughout the day, I also played you music and I would also talk to you during the day.
I did crave chocolate milk and roast dinners so on a friday night daddy would take me to the RSL Club for a roast meal.

During the day I would do the housework within reason, I read alot of books, I got into doing jig-saw puzzles and I would play games on the internet or write letter's home.

I had to have regular blood tests which I disliked, and ultrasounds which I did like as we got to see you, you were so tiny, one day I swear you did the fingers to us it was so funny and you also waved to us so it seemed anyway.

We even have you on video thanks to the hospital.

Tony's mum started knitting little cardigans for you, and his sister would enclose items of clothing for you as well.

Mum (Jenni) also started sending you clothes and care packages for me of things to do.

Everyday I would feel nauseaus but I never was sick, I did have quite severe constipation.

Right from day one we loved you and couldnt wait to cuddle you, we could never agree on a name for you either.

So you were known as "Jellybean".

Everything was going good till I started part-time work at a supermarket, one night I had quite severe stomach pains and I felt like I was going to pass out, so I was rushed to hornsby hospital by an ambulance where they questioned me and entered a saline drip into my arm, no-one could confirm what was wrong with me so after several hours of lieing in a bed I decided enough was enough I'm out of here I called a nurse to come and take the drip out of my arm I had to sign a form saying that I am leaving on my own accord which I did, I was so angry and tired, daddy and I went home and I decided from now on I am going to stick by my local doctor for advice.

From the 11th june was when things started to go wrong, one day we were walking home from doing the shopping and I had wet my pants which unbeknown to me my membranes had ruptured and I also started bleeding all the time, none of the doctors could explain why my membranes had ruptured or why I was bleeding all the time all they could say was it's nature's way and nothing can be done to stop the bleeding.
I was forever in and out of hornsby maternity hospital.

Because of bleeding and the loss of the fluid around you I was confined to bed rest and I was not to leave the apartment.

I got very restless and angry at being stuck at home all day every day.

So i fulled my days with reading, internet , jig-saw puzzles and sleeping.

The times when I was in hospital I was stuck with boring t.v and reading and more sleeping.

I loved hearing your heartbeat I even asked if we could record it to take home but there was no way of doing this.

Brooke hated checking your heartbeat because every time that she did it, you would run away brooke always had trouble finding your heartbeat, any one else no trouble at all.

Brooke said that she was going to tell you off one day , when it came to your afternoon check we would wait for daddy to be present so that he could hear you as well.

Sometimes you would even kick the heart monitor away that was so funny, between you being naughty and I laughing Brooke gave up some days.

I could feel you move around and kick as time went by and I loved that feeling of you moving around and kicking.

Due to the constant bleeding and the loss of the fluid I had to be closely monitored hence is why the constant stays in hospital.

Dr Keogh said that our chances of you surviving were not good due to the constant loss of the fluid around you, the fluid around you is to help with your growth and the development of your lungs, there was no way of replacing the fluid or to stop it leaking out.

Dr Keogh also said that due to the lack of fluid around you, you may need operations to straighten your arms and legs because you didnt have the room for them to develop properly on their own.

Dr Keogh was impressed with every week that went passed, he said that both you and I were doing extremely well considering the complications we were going through at the time.
In between being in and out of hospital all the time I was going insane being confined to bed rest all the time, I wasnt even allowed to do the housework so daddy was given a new name he was called the good wee wifey because he had to do the grocery shopping plus all the housework, nana pat even made him an apron to wear.

Poor daddy would work hard all day at his job then come home to do housework and the shopping, or if I was in hospital he would come straight to the hospital to spend time with me then he would catch the last bus home have his dinner do the washing and get some sleep ready for the next busy day of work and visiting me.

I often worried about him and the lack of sleep he was getting plus the stress we were putting him through he sure does deserve a gold medal for being so hardworking, understanding and extremely supportive.

Every time that I was admitted into hornsby maternity hospital I would say "Hi honey im home" and all the staff would laugh.

Everyone at the maternity hospital was good to tony and I especially Martin he was the best.

He would go out of his way to make me comfortable by getting me a foam mattress for my bed, he would turn my television on at no charge, he even surprised me one night by coming into my room with a Mcdonalds choc shake and cookies.

Dr Keogh did warn us that you may not survive but we kept on thinking positive, and every week that went by was a week done good.

Daddy and I would talk to you everyday, we would both place our hands on my stomach, and the times when I was home I would play music to you, I did cry alot only because I was scared of losing you and I was sick and tired of always being admitted into hospital.

I use to ring mum alot in tears saying, "mum come I need you" ??


Tony and I did ask Dr Keogh several times if there was anything medically that could be done to stop the bleeding and the loss of your fluid, but he kept saying "no", there is nothing that can be done.

We also kept asking him why is this happening and he honestly did'nt know, he said it was just nature's way and that I'm not the only one who is going through what I was going through, he said that there has been similar cases with other pregnant women and they did deliver their babies early and they survived to be strong healthy children, which did give us hope of you surviving too.

We tried real hard in thinking positively of you.

On the 13th august I was admitted back into hornsby hospital for the final time, as I was still bleeding quite heavily and I was losing your fluid even more, there was just not enough fluid around you at all by now.

Dr Keogh was to keep me in a for a week as this was getting serious and there was a chance of you being born.

I was severly pissed off and bored with this whole ordeal because all they did in hospital was keep an eye on me 24 hrs a day.

So once again another boring stay in hospital watching t.v, reading and look forward to seeing tony in the afternoon.

Tony was awesome throughout this whole pregnancy, he was always there for us no matter what.

He is very supportive and understanding he went out of his way to make me feel comfortable and happy.

He would go to work everyday then he would visit me in hospital. He was very tired and I feel that he was getting a little run down himself what with working and worrying about the two of us everyday.

He nearly lost his job because of all the time he had off to be by my side but he said to the men at work unlike you guys i do care about my family.........

Anyway Saturday the 18th August I was so bored that I pleaded with my doctor to please let me go home, everything had settled down so i was allowed out til dinner time only.

That afternoon I started getting cramps in my stomach which unbeknown to me was labour pains, we arrived back at the hospital by dinner time and by this time my cramps were getting worse.

I did have my dinner then tony and I settled down to watch t.v.

I swore to him that i was in labour so we called for one of the nurses, I was checked over and it was confirmed that you were on your way.
I was moved to the delivery suite for a closer examination and to do a urine sample for my doctor, yes you were to be born.

You were only 24 weeks in gestation (6 months), which is to early to be born.

My doctor put this patch on me to try and stop the contractions while she went and phoned hospitals for us to be admitted to.

Because of your arriving early we needed a hospital to look after both you and I.

Due to the complications I had with you and my history tony and I were transported by ambulance to the Nepean hospital in Penrith, one of the midwifes from hornsby came with us just in case you were born on the way.

Penrith hospital was the only hosptial available to accommadate both you and I, they had all the necessary equipment to help you and they were the only hospital that had a spare bed for me.

We finally arrive at the Nepean hospital in Penrith and Im admitted to the delivery suite where I was examined again and questioned and yet again it was confirmed that you were on your way.

By now i was wanting a cigarette bad so I asked if I could please go outside and have one, so I was allowed to go for a smoke but not to go to far away and that tony stayed with me.

I recall having two cigarette's which was not good as I spun out real bad and I threw up all over myself, luckily we were outside.

I will never do that again in a hurry tony had to hold me up and then when we got back to my suite I had to get changed.

Tony explained to the staff what had happened I felt so stink and I kept apologising .

After that I wasn't allowed anything to eat or drink just in case I had to have a caesarean, so I was ordered back to bed where I was given this medication to settle me down and to get some sleep.

Tony was bought in ths recliner chair to sleep in by my side which he said was uncomfortable, and off to sleep we both went finally.

Things did settle down over night so the next morning both tony and I were given some breakfast then I was admitted into the ward.

It is the morning on the 19th august and after settling me down in my new room tony decided to go home to get histhings ready for work the next day.

Early that afternoon my contractions had started up again it was by accident that the doctor realised that I was in labour again.

I was to scared to call a doctor myself I remember being in tears and in agony.

I rang my mum back in New Zealand saying "mum come please I need you, jellybean is on the way", I no sooner hung up from mum when my sister kelly rang, she asked me if it tickled ?

Well tickle it didn't, here I am in tears and kelly is making me laugh, I didnt know wheather to laugh or cry?.

Being in labour is like the worse period pain you can imagine, I was in tears all afternoon from the pain of my contractions.

Tony had gone home to email all family members and friends to tell them what was happening, I didn't want tony to go home but I was safe and sound in hospital.

By late afternoon I was in tears big time from the pain plus I was petrified, one of the doctors sat with me to monitor my contractions he also gave me an internal examination which I disliked and he hurt me too, it was awful.

I phoned tony at home saying you better come back as Jellybean wants to come big time,

After careful monitoring it was confirmed that you were on your way again, Dianne one of the nurses was sent in to wheel me back to the delivery suite in the wheelchair, I pleaded with her to please let me have a cigarette, she said yes but we could both get into trouble, Dianne being a smoker herself knew what I was going through so we by passed outside for a quick smoke.

Before that I was still in tears and dianne was making me laugh as I was wearing my tiger slippers, dianne kept cracking jokes about my slippers so here I am in tears and laughing at the same time.
After a quick cigarette we finally made it to delivery suite where one of the doctors said that he had phoned upstairs to see where we were, Dianne and I said that the lifts were busy. ( so we told a little white lie),

Once again I am examined internally much to my disgust, I hated those internal examinations they are uncomfortable and they hurt.

After the internal examination it was decided to have you delivered quickly because things were not looking good at all, we couldnt wait any longer.

Well did i freak out with this news here I am all alone in hospital and tony was on his way back I was in tears big time because I was scared .

On the way to theatre one of the doctors had tony on the phone waiting for me because I asked them to call him for me and to tell him what was happening.

All I could say was please hurry they want to deliver jellybean, they can't hold off any longer, Tony was at Strathfield station waiting for the connecting train to penrith.

He said that he is on his way and he would be there as soon as possible, all I could say was "I love you daddy", in tears and then I was wheeled away to theatre.

Before going into theatre I was asked if I had any medical conditions that they should be made aware of, I said yes I have asthma and no I am not allergic to any medication.

So I'm wheeled into theatre and put onto the operating table so that they could perform a emergency C section.

I remember getting this injection in my arm to put me to sleep, and a gas mask put over my mouth, by now I am well and truly petrafied and bawling my eyes out big time.

I recall saying I'm scared, and the doctor said that I'm in good hands now I'll be fine.

The last thing I remember is being told to open my eyes as wide as I can and the last thing I said was " please look after my baby" then I was out like a light.

I had an emergency caesarean section which was performed on sunday the 19th august 2001, for the delivery of our little girl chloe marie.

I had a "classical caesarean section", which means that they had to make a vertical opening in my uterus as opposed to the horizontal opening that they make for a routine caesarean sections.

Dr Mark Tracy was my delivering doctor, he performed the classical caesarean section on me.

You were delivered at 5.45pm sunday evening.

As discussed with tony and I afterwards this does raise an important issue in the management of any future pregnancies, In particular there is a high chance of the scar on my uterus coming apart before of during labour, therefore I will require an elective caesarean section at or near term of any future pregnancies.

When you were born via c. section , you were initially not breathing with a slow heart rate you were resuscitated and a breathing tube called an endotracheal tube was placed through your mouth and into your windpipe, after securing this tube and placing you on the mechanical ventilator (breathing machine) it was evident that you
were very ill requiring very high pressures from the breathing machine to keep you alive.

Due to the long term spent with my waters broken and the little to no fluid around you whilst in the womb led to severe under formation of chloe's lungs, and in spite of the medication called surfactant which is a chemical missing in the lungs of premature babies and high frequency ventilation Chloe continued to deteriorate.

Chloe was quite bruised which was due to the difficult delivery, which this is often the case with tiny premature babies and with no fluid around them in the womb.

Chloe Marie was otherwise well formed and her death was entirely due to her prematurity and her under formed lungs.

Chloe's birth weight is 724 grams and her length is 30 cm. You were kept alive for one hour and 30 minutes.

When tony finally made it back to the hospital he went straight to the delivery suite where he was told that I was in theatre and the baby was in post natal ICU.
Tony went to the ICU unit and he was told that he had a daughter, he was asked if we had a name picked out for her he said yes her name is Chloe Marie.

He was then told that you were very sick and didn't have a very good chance in surviving.

Tony was then given two photo's of you and then he was taken to see me (mummy) in the operating theatre where I was waking up.

I was still coming round and I was still quite groggy from being put to sleep, i remember daddy rubbing my head and the nurse calling my name trying to wake me up.

Im unsure what I said when I did wake up but I do recall the phone ringing and the nurse being told to take daddy and I to you quickly.

I remember daddy looking so devasted and yet trying to look strong for me !!!

You were hooked up to all these machines and you looked so tiny. I held your little hand and I stroked your head, I also spoke to you. I said mummy here's now and daddy.........

Daddy spent about 15 minutes with you before coming to see me in theatre, you had all these machines around you and the doctors were doing everything they could to save you.

Daddy did say that my first words to him were "Hi Daddy" !!

I remember placing my little finger in your tiny little hand, my god you were so small and delicate looking, hooked up to all those machines.

I remember lieing in my bed up close to you and hearing the heart monitor bleeping as you had died, its as if you had waited for us to see you first.

The doctors took all your tubes out, by now im bawling my eyes out again, you were wrapped in a blanket with a little cardigan on and handed to me.

I was then wheeled to the marternity ward, daddy right by our side with you in my arms.I was still quite groggy and I was hooked up to this drip
of morphine.Once we got settled back in our room I let daddy cuddle you.

Then he watched one of the nurses give you a bath to clean you up abit, then you were handed back to me.

We got a few more photo's taken with you then you were taken away.......

By now the phone was ringing red hot : mum kelly nana other family members, all I could say was that we had a little girl Chloe Marie but she's gone now then I would start crying all over again.

I hardly slept at all that night or any night while at penrith, I let daddy sleep though in the bed beside me, nothing seemed real any more and i kept thinking why,why,why.......

I did make a couple of calls myself to friends back home in New Zealand, all I could say was it's a girl "Chloe Marie" but she's gone now .

Tony was allowed to stay with me the whole time while at penrith he was also fed three meals a day.

And noone was allowed in our room without permission first.

I badly wanted to use the bathroom but do you think i could go ? No, I ended having a catheter inserted in me for a day or two.

Every time the nurse would come in to check on me she would say " your not using your morphine", use it.

So I did and I ended up asking for more.

The next day I was given a bed bath and I was allowed alittle breakfast. I still could not move or get out of bed due to the C section I had the day before.

It hurt to cough, move or laugh not that i was in a laughing mood.

I felt like a zombie and nothing seemed real any more and

I couldn't believe what had happened to you, I kept thinking that the nurse would wheel you in soon but that she didn't.

I cannot thank the staff at penrith hospital enough they were awesome to both tony and I the whole time we were there.

A social worker came to see tony and I to discuss funeral arrangements, I was in no state for this so she spoke to tony about it instead of me.
All i could do was lie there like a zombie and cry, tony would sit beside me and stroke my hair or just hold my hand and he kept saying "I'm sorry Mummy"...

Poor daddy was devasted to but i could'nt think of anything to say to him except "I'm sorry to daddy".

By the second day I got up out of bed slowly and boy did that hurt but I had to keep up sooner or later, I would sit up in a wheelchair and daddy would wheel me around the hospital so I could get a change of scenery and to have a cigarette again after all this time.

We also went to the little shop downstairs and bought you this white teddy bear to keep you company.

I was on lite meals only,daddy was fed better then me but then he never had the operation.

And I was told to start walking around again so as I didnt get blood clots in my legs. I did get up and about and it hurt like hell, the nurse had to help me with going to the bathroom and with showering me.

The staff were impressed on how well I was doing with walking around slowly, but i still needed that extra bit of help whilst going to the bathroom and showering.

I bled alot afterwards which is perfectly normal after having a baby.

Come the tuesday 21 august the doctor said that all the staff would love to have me back again at hornsby hosptial, so it was arranged for both tony and I to get transported via ambulance back to hornsby my home for the last 6 months.

We were asked if we wanted Chloe to ride with us and we both said No, leave her alone.

We did get to cuddle you again though that was so hard for the both of us, while tony held you I cuddled your teddy bear and put my tears all over it, we spoke to you again we gave you all of our love said goodbye then you were wheeled away again for the last time.

Not long after you were taken away it was time for tony and I to be transported back to hornsby hospital without you.

We thanked all the staff at penrith hospital and said our goodbyes. Everyone at penrith was awesome to both tony and I.

We finally arrive back at hornsby hospital and whats the first thing I say? "Hi honey im home", daddy and I were welcomed back with open arms and everyone saying "sorry".

Dr Keogh and my other doctors came in to see us both everyone was so sorry but glad to have us back again.

(silly buggers)

Dr Keogh talked with us both about what had happened.

Everyone was so warm and caring and we were forever getting cuddles from all the staff at hornsby hospital.

They let me do whatever i wanted and whenever I wanted, I walked around like an old lady holding onto the walls as I couldn't walk properly as yet.

My phone would ring non-stop all day and night I was even taking calls at the administration desk would you all believe?

Everyone was impressed on how I was up and about so soon after my operation.

Martin was the best he would put his head in and check up on me every so often and just talk with me.

Mum would ring everynight and all we did was cry.

Carmen was ringing daily too as she was organising to drop everything and come over to look after me once I was allowed home.

I was on antibiotics, painkillers and sleeping pills not that I did sleep much while in hospital.

I was numb and forever crying instead.

That tuesday night daddy finally left my side to go home have a much needed shower, also to make some calls and deal to the emails.

He bought some beers that night and drank them while blasting the stereo and crying over you.
I did'nt really liked being back at hornsby because there was all these new babies crying.

So come the thursday I asked please can I go home I cant take it any more all these new born babies.

I was still bleeding and losing stuff from inside but they did allow for me to finally go home at long last, only on the condition that i stay in bed and that adele a midwife visited me daily at home.

I remember losing it big time at hornsby because we were walking back to my room and this new baby was taking a bath which was close to my room, Tony had to walk me to the t.v. room, while he went and spoke to one of the nurses telling her what was happening with me, so it was
decided to send me home.Dr Keogh also said that Dr Mark Tracy did an awesome job with my C section.

We both thanked everyone and said our final goodbyes to all the staff at hornsby.

Finally im home first thing is shower which tony had to assist me with as I couldnt bend or move around much still.

Jasma visited bringing with her flowers,lollies and a magazine.

All I wanted to do was blast my stereo and cry.

Friday night Carmen arrives, Tony met her at the airport I had to stay home in bed boring... Carmen was to look after me while tony went back to work.

We cannot thank carmen enough for dropping everything to come and look after me.

She cooked and cleaned and kept me company during the day.

We played silly buggers in the evening, which I'm sure tony was going to send me home with her at one stage!!

On the sunday we all went to darling harbour for lunch and a change of scenery for me, which was good but that night I bawled my eyes out as it was a week that chloe had died already.

I had home visits from the midwifes at hornsby hospital, Adele said that I was doing well and my scar was healing nicely.
My adopted mum (jenni) was also awesome throughout this whole ordeal, she was always sending me care packages and listerning to me cry over the phone.

Thank you mum (jenni ) and carmen you two are the best !!

Then came the time to organise a funeral for you which I couldn't handle so daddy took care of that for the both of us.

I had the task of finding the right music to send you with.

What I thought would be easy turned out to be a mission, and everyone knows me and my music well guys this was hard believe me.

Daddy's song to you is Shania Twain' - From this

moment.

My song to you is Tina Turner (of course) - Silent wings,

Your cremation day was friday the 31st august at the northern suburbs memorial gardens and crematorium.

I did'nt want to go but daddy said I had to for both of us and you, so firstly we had a couple of drinks while blasting the stereo.

The song by meatloaf -Loving you's a dirty job, says it all and the song by jim steinman the original rock n roll dreams says it all as well.

These two songs have helped me big time they both say it all believe me.....

We finally go across the road to T.J Andrews and you were already in the car waiting for us, I saw your little white coffin and I went hysterical all over again.

We rode in the car with you to the northern suburbs crematoruim where we had alittle service for you.

We played you our songs and said our goodbye's.

What amazed me was we had just said our goodbye's to you and we no sooner stepped outside and this cockatoo flew over us from nowhere and squawked at us, it was as if it were you saying see ya mummy and daddy.
From that day on we think of you as a cockatoo and daddy see's you every day just about.

For weeks I didn't want to go on with my life, hell some days I didn't even get out of bed, i also wouldn't eat.

I was forever thinking about committing suicide and crying non-stop all day and night long, some nights I didn't even sleep til recently.

I was a total wreck. And Tony well he is the best he is so very supportive, caring and understanding he has been through hell with worrying about me.

Tony had his job to go back to, as for me I had nothing to occupy my time with except the damn internet.

Tony hated leaving me home alone all day he was scared of coming home to find that I had commited suicide? I wanted to be with you so much chloe it was destroying me deep inside, but what would that prove? Nothing!!!!!

My adopted parents jenni and brent did come over in spetmeber, I was all excited then to see them, tony and I met them at the airport and all I could say was Mummy's coming...mum (jenni) was impressed with how well i did look and how well i was walking around.

We all went out the next day except tony he had to work, but mum dad and I went into the big city.

We went on the train, monorail,ferry and bus.

We had a yummy lunch at the fish markets.

Once home I was ordered to bed as it had been a big dayout for little lisa, and the men went to the pub for a couple of hours, then it was off to the RSL club for a yummy roast dinner.

I was sad to see mum and dad leave the next day.

What I am trying to say is that it's ok to have feeling 's of despair, guilt and suicide and to cry all the time.

But if it gets uncontrollable then to seek medical advise, go and see your doctor, and or ring a friend or family member.

I see my doctor every other day at the moment and I am forever calling home.

We finally did make it back to penrith hospital to speak to

Dr Mark Tracy, he delivered and looked after chloe.

Chloe was breach which is bum first. Chloe wouldnt of needed the operations to fix her arms and legs they would of straightened out on their own.

She also had a brain scan which is a routine check for all premature babies, chloe was a fine healthy little girl apart from her lungs. Both Chloe and I had the best care available, and everything was done that could of been done for both of us.

Both Dr Mark Tracy and Dr John Keogh said that I did an excellant job in carrying you and that nothing can explain why my membranes ruptured, which is of no fault of mine, it was just nature's way, even if you did stay the full term your chances of survival were'nt good because of the lack of fluid around you, so your lungs could'nt develop properly anyway.

There is nothing that can be done to change this.

You were on the best life support machines.

You were also a good weight for your term in my womb.

Ten months later here I am writing this book in your memory which i feel is the best thing I could ever do.

I have come along way since your birth and death.

I am no longer sitting around feeling sorry for myself.

With the help from my doctor, Mark Fitzmaurice I have a set routine now that I must stick to.

I am now sleeping properly at night, no more of this sitting up all night long on the damn internet.

I am cooking and baking again which is a good sign.

I am on a new antidepressiant "Avanza".

Plus my music is playing again now, that is saying something.

Everyone has said lately that I am sounding more and more like my old self.

It's ok and perfectly normal to feel sorry for yourself, have feelings of guilt and despair and have thoughts of suicide but as time goes by so does the pain.

You never ever get over the loss of a baby but it does get better with the right help.

I may be laughing on the outside but deep inside I am still crying, but I feel that I have come along way since you left us both.

My doctor says I am doing extremely well now, he is impressed with my progress, especially since I started writing this book.

Tony also has been a great help.

We love you Chloe Marie, we will never forget the joy your bought us in your short time.

We both miss you like crazy but we know that you are always with us in our minds and heart.

Thank you carmen for everything that you did for us.

And thank you mum and dad turner we really appreciate everything that you have done for us also.


All our love, Lisa and Tony.




Copywrite: L Turner

21 June 2002